How Parenting is Like Marriage

When my wife and I began having children, we believed that training them to obey us was the main goal. It wasn't until much later (our oldest was about 8) that we began to see obedience as a very poor end in itself. When we stopped believing that our children are "in training" for life till they're 18 or graduated, and started believing that they, just like every other person on the planet, is playing a role now in God's drama of redemption, our style of parenting changed a little, but the mood in our home changed a lot - and we began to enjoy each other more.

If perfect obedience is the goal, you'll be frustrated and angry every day - and I was for many years, it seemed. When loyalty (not perfection) becomes the goal (but only insofar as it's an end in a greater Goal - God's reputation in your home), set-backs and disappointments won't capsize the happiness of your home every night at dinner or bedtime, even though they still come almost just as frequently. You may also recognize that, as a parent, it's not all about you (or even your children or their future): it's about what God is showing the world about himself in your child's obedience or disobedience, and your response to it.

It was then that raising kids became fun and a joy for me.

The same can be said of marriage. The world needs more than obedient children, and it needs more than marriages that work: it needs to hear what marriage has to say about God, to see the greatness, beauty, and glory of God's covenantal love for his people. When marriage begins to take on Divine significance, it becomes interesting and meaningful, to say the least. When we begin to believe that our marriage, or children, or the yard, or neighbors, or puzzles on Saturday afternoons, or visiting invalids in nursing homes are all part of a larger move of God to say something to the world about himself and his glory and our place in it, things that formerly seemed insignificant, meaningless, or negligible begin to take on greater signficance and meaning, and are now worth the time and effort to do them well (i.e. diapers, groceries, neighborly chat, or a phone call).

The remarkable thing in all this is that by thinking less of obedience or marriage in themselves, they take on greater meaning and significance. When they cease to be the "end all", they begin to serve as ends to Christ as all in all. The meaning and significance we so much long for in the nitty-gritty of kids and marriage and work and friends will not appear until we see that, in themselves, they are nothing; but as they are players God's drama to display his glory as King and Judge and Lover of the world, they take on an eternal, incomparable, and wonderful significance.

Mind you, I don't hope for dirty diapers, dishes, or disobedience when I'm at home any more than I used to, but as they appear, the glory of God is not far away - and believing that makes all the difference.